Does God Really Exist - To Believe or Not To Believe?

G-d's Existence

I have found myself wondering if G-d really does exist a few times throughout my life, but for whatever reason it was never an important thought I needed to have. I would never be able to find out and what would I do with the information anyway? It seemed meaningless to my life, and at the time it was. Belief and existence wasn't shaping my behavior. What I'm learning now - which isn't true for everyone - is that Judaism is more about doing than actually believing.

This is what I can relate to, because I felt like believing in G-d's existence was a way out of dealing with real life. I felt like I was accountable to myself and no one else. This is still true for me today, but I'm realizing that maybe the reason to believe is the same reason I denied it -- holding myself accountable to my obligations and actions.

Today my boyfriend joined me in class because we had a support group to attend afterwards. The support group is a separate topic so I'll touch on that in another post. My epiphany today was that I can connect with Judaism and believe in whatever way that I want and is meaningful to me. That's all that matters anyway. Before I met my boyfriend I felt like I needed some sort of additional and spiritual obligation to myself to have a happier life. I was not happy. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and I still wasn't happy with my decisions. I needed guidance and I think I found it with Judaism. I was afraid I was going to have to drop all of my personal moral and ethical beliefs, and exchange it  for what Jews believe because G-d said so. Fortunately, I already shared many of the same beliefs as I've been learning about.

What's more important to me is WHY we choose to do things in our every day life and why we habitually celebrate holidays. I like the comfort of knowing I don't have to believe or center my beliefs around G-d's existence. I was also shocked to learn about Jewish Atheism. Who would have thought of that? Definitely not me!

Jewish Atheism

It's been awhile since I've heard atheist reasoning from someone, but what I do remember is that some atheists feel like they can only trust science and nature and facts - which I understand and surprisingly others in my class feel the same way.

On the other hand, I've been hearing the same counter argument from the believers which is science and facts and nature wouldn't even exist without it's creation from G-d. I say to each his own and at the same time enjoy hearing how different we all are. That's what I like most about my conversion is that I do not have to believe what everyone else believes, which was one of my biggest fears of religion.

Names of G-d

We also did a great exercise that I loved and helped me understand the ways in which I personally connect to Judaism. We had a list of 60 of G-d's names and the translations of the names. Then noted 5 names we were comfortable with or were meaningful to us; then chose another 5 that we were not comfortable with; then a final 5 that surprised us or that we didn't understand. I found that I don't like terrifying or family references. I don't like thinking of G-d as scary or a loving parental figure, but I do like creation, reliability and guidance references. And finally, I was confused by "the place" and "nothing" references. I know this has something to do with the mystical aspects of Judaism and the Kabbalah, and that G-d is not human and does not exactly "exist" in time as we know it. That is too deep of a topic for me  to get into so I'll stop now. In fact, it is said that humans are not even ready to study this until a certain age because it is just too confusing and frightening.