Does God Really Exist - To Believe or Not To Believe?

G-d's Existence

I have found myself wondering if G-d really does exist a few times throughout my life, but for whatever reason it was never an important thought I needed to have. I would never be able to find out and what would I do with the information anyway? It seemed meaningless to my life, and at the time it was. Belief and existence wasn't shaping my behavior. What I'm learning now - which isn't true for everyone - is that Judaism is more about doing than actually believing.

This is what I can relate to, because I felt like believing in G-d's existence was a way out of dealing with real life. I felt like I was accountable to myself and no one else. This is still true for me today, but I'm realizing that maybe the reason to believe is the same reason I denied it -- holding myself accountable to my obligations and actions.

Today my boyfriend joined me in class because we had a support group to attend afterwards. The support group is a separate topic so I'll touch on that in another post. My epiphany today was that I can connect with Judaism and believe in whatever way that I want and is meaningful to me. That's all that matters anyway. Before I met my boyfriend I felt like I needed some sort of additional and spiritual obligation to myself to have a happier life. I was not happy. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and I still wasn't happy with my decisions. I needed guidance and I think I found it with Judaism. I was afraid I was going to have to drop all of my personal moral and ethical beliefs, and exchange it  for what Jews believe because G-d said so. Fortunately, I already shared many of the same beliefs as I've been learning about.

What's more important to me is WHY we choose to do things in our every day life and why we habitually celebrate holidays. I like the comfort of knowing I don't have to believe or center my beliefs around G-d's existence. I was also shocked to learn about Jewish Atheism. Who would have thought of that? Definitely not me!

Jewish Atheism

It's been awhile since I've heard atheist reasoning from someone, but what I do remember is that some atheists feel like they can only trust science and nature and facts - which I understand and surprisingly others in my class feel the same way.

On the other hand, I've been hearing the same counter argument from the believers which is science and facts and nature wouldn't even exist without it's creation from G-d. I say to each his own and at the same time enjoy hearing how different we all are. That's what I like most about my conversion is that I do not have to believe what everyone else believes, which was one of my biggest fears of religion.

Names of G-d

We also did a great exercise that I loved and helped me understand the ways in which I personally connect to Judaism. We had a list of 60 of G-d's names and the translations of the names. Then noted 5 names we were comfortable with or were meaningful to us; then chose another 5 that we were not comfortable with; then a final 5 that surprised us or that we didn't understand. I found that I don't like terrifying or family references. I don't like thinking of G-d as scary or a loving parental figure, but I do like creation, reliability and guidance references. And finally, I was confused by "the place" and "nothing" references. I know this has something to do with the mystical aspects of Judaism and the Kabbalah, and that G-d is not human and does not exactly "exist" in time as we know it. That is too deep of a topic for me  to get into so I'll stop now. In fact, it is said that humans are not even ready to study this until a certain age because it is just too confusing and frightening.

Jewish Life With Prayer

Life with Prayer

This week we reviewed more about holidays and focused on what life is like in a synagogue and how the prayers work. Again, part of conversion requires you to live and practice Judaism. It may be conservative, but the program encourages you to get involved as much as possible.

My Shabbat this week was okay, but not perfect. We did, however, have a Shabbat dinner with Jewish friends, which we don't do all the time. Then on Saturday we stayed home to pack (for an upcoming move), we played music, and before Shabbat was over I used my cell phone for Words with Friends....and I blogged.....I'm getting there.

For this week's class we spent the second half of the day in the synagogue at the University. Since this is a new experience for most of the the class we talked a little about things like the dress code, rituals and prayers. The dress code for women includes keeping shoulders and arms covered, and pants or a knee length skirt. For men, typically no shorts are allowed. On High Holidays people mostly wear white because of the purity, renewal and cleansing aspects of the holiday. Jewish prayers rituals in the synagogue include a kipa (the common yamulka term is actually Yiddish) for men. No Jewish law requires a kipa but it's a cultural custom, and a form of respect as is removing a hat in presence of authority. Another common ritual during prayer is wearing a tallit with tzitzit. And there is a right and wrong way to wear it!

Photo courtesy of jewfaq.org

Photo courtesy of jewfaq.org

Normally, strict Orthodox men wear this, my boyfriend not being one of them. In fact, he hasn't stepped foot into a synagogue in years, only on some High Holidays according to him. The prayer on the tallit is the top and should be draped over your shoulders and not like a scarf. More info on biblical and cultural reasons for wearing this during prayer can be found at jewfaq.org.

Keva & Kavvanah

Lastly, we talked about Keva and Kavvanah. Keva is basically the routine of prayer. Keeping prayer constant is a way to practice, much like the old phrase "practice makes perfect". Kavvanah is basically the intention of meaningful prayer. Our Rabbi explained that some believer the danger with prayer is if you can't do something well; then you think you shouldn't do it at all. Jewish prayers are certainly more complicated than I can explain at this point. Some Rabbis believe there is a balance of keva and kavvanah to be had. Jewish prayers are routined (keva) with laws, fixed times, and fixed ways. However, the point of prayer is not to go through the motions, but to show inner devotion (kavvanah). One of the most popular interpreters of Jewish prayer is Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel. He wrote this on kavvanah:

"How grateful I am to God that there is a duty to worship, a law to remind my distraught mind that it is time to think of God, time to disregard my ego for at least a moment! It is such happiness to belong to an order of the divine will. I am not always in a mood to pray. I do not always have the vision and the strength to say a word in the presence of God. But when I am weak, it is the law that gives me strength; when my vision is dim, it is duty that gives me insight" (Man's Quest for God: Studies in Prayer and Symbolism, New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1954, pp. 64-68)."

My Beliefs on Shabbat Obligations

My Beliefs

Belief is actually quite a strong word for me, I don't have many spiritual or religious beliefs at this time. However, as we move through the historical holiday review and meanings behind rituals, I am surprisingly relating to a lot of it. It's weird that this is such a revelation for me.

I always seemed to think people of a certain faith had the exact same beliefs, meaning they were all idiots together. That is sounding ignorant now that I repeat it to myself, but it's the truth! It's one of the reasons I did not want to associate with anything. I didn't want to be grouped together with a bunch of religious wackos, I want to be me and make my own decisions. I never practiced any faith so I have no frame of reference. Although my boyfriend is not what he calls "religious"; he says he keeps tradition and I can see how engrained his Jewish identity is.

Holiday Review

Today we reviewed the holidays and discussed Shabbat in more detail. I'm feeling like I'm in a much deeper exploration phase now, and now the feelings of uncertainty about my beliefs are awakening again. I'm also thinking about how I'll assimilate into the religion.

I can easily relate to Rosh Hashanah as the New Year, as everyone else can because Americans are used to making New Year's resolutions. I realize it is definitely met with more seriousness about the quality of your life rather than making a resolution to quit smoking and giving up after a week. Resolutions aren't successful, but an obligation is. A resolution is defined as firm determination, or a course of action determined. An obligation is defined as a binding promise or sense of duty.

What's the difference here? The difference is between a want and a need. People try to commit to changes all the time, but the fail when they don't feel a psychological obligation to the commitment. Resolutions are not what define you, but obligations do; maybe that's why people are more prone to follow through with changes/choices in their lives when they are committed to their religious obligations.