About Me
I am a typical American California kinda gal that grew up with a half-assed Christian religion as a child. It is not my duty to put down people especially religions, but it was the Christian religion that encouraged my mother to stay with an abusive, drug addict and alcoholic father for the sake of her children and being a "good Christian wife". It could have been any religion or no religion at all - I imagine - but this is the way it was and this is the way it turned out.My mom was still very young and should've given my father tough love and left him, but she didn't. It turned out very badly for everyone and continued for many many years down the road. So maybe that's why I hated religion for so long.
I felt like religion was for the weak and for people who could not make good decisions for themselves and that constantly needed forgiving to feel better about themselves. I still see still people too afraid to confront their problems head on. They hide in prayer or church instead of talking with the people that matter in their life. They think only G-d's forgiveness will save them from heartache - that's where they are wrong.
This is one of many reasons why I love Judaism. You do not hide behind G-d and you learn that He does not interfere with human nature. You are the only one that can make your life better. Praying for forgiveness of a wrong you did to a human will not save you. Maybe that's where the confusion comes from? The ones that seek salvation by praying to G-d -- a being that is not a human -- for forgiveness instead of asking forgiveness of the human you did wrong.
Why Conversion?
The obvious reason I am converting is because of a man, and yes I'm doing it because of my Israeli fiance. At the time I began the classes, however, we were not engaged yet. We of course talked about marriage and kids and I wanted to start learning about Judaism. Never once did he make this a requirement or make me feel pressured. Of course I knew it would make him happy to know that I would commit to a religion and share it with him. I also knew that when we were ready to have children, he would be even more stoked that the mother of his children would be Jewish.Jewish Life
We found a conservative Judaism course offered at the American Jewish University. It is basically a college type course offered to anyone that wants to learn about Judaism, and also has a conversion option at the end with some requirements. I definitely went into the class with the plan to convert. The first few weeks of the class went by easily and I was participating and enjoying myself. Then I began to doubt myself and what I was doing. Am I religious person, I thought? Am I doing this for the right reasons? I had my first meeting with the Rabbi and I just couldn't put my thoughts into words and it was a hard meeting. I decided I couldn't see myself as Jewish yet.Jewish Acceptance
During the meeting I began to really doubt myself and wondered if I was actually going to be able to follow through and be a real Jew and be true to the religion, and not some half-assed Jew. I questioned my acceptance. We talked through that and my fears subsided but I still had doubts about my commitment. I left the class that day a little irritated and decided I was just going to go through the class with an open mind like I had decided previously, yet not mentally commit to the idea of conversion until it came naturally.So that's what I've been doing for the last 3-ish months. As it is today, I am still not yet a convert because I have more classes to attend; then I should be ready. We are getting more involved in the synagogue community and meeting and talking with others in it. Everything feels right and feels great. Soon I will actually be an American Jewish convert.
